Turnbull announces national day of mourning over last four years of his own life

The Minister for Communications has announced a nationwide mourning of his deceased career to take place across every town and city in Australia.

The day of mourning, planned entirely by Turnbull, will feature life-size marionettes acting out the key events in Turnbull’s own life, from his conception in 1954 to the death of his political career in late 2009.

‘The years since then were wasted years, lost years’, he said. ’I could have achieved so much’.

‘I’ve won a Rhodes Scholarship, started a law firm, an investment banking firm, made $100 million dollars and written two books. But since losing the Liberal party leadership, I’ve been fielding complaints from Mary Alexander of Port Piper because she can’t stream episodes of ‘Downton Abbey’ at more than one megabyte per second’, lamented a reckless, despondent Turnbull.

‘It’s important for Australia to remember how good I once was’.

Turnbull wonders why his self-written obituary didn't make the front page of The Times.
Turnbull wonders why his self-written obituary didn’t make the front page of The Times.

Racists Disappointed by Appearance of non-Whites on White Night

In a disappointing blow to xenophobics and racists across Melbourne, the city’s annual White Night event was frequented by many people who are not, in fact, white.

Many local racists turned up to the event donning T-shirts with the slogans ‘Australia – Est. 1788’ and ‘Go Back to Where You Came From’, proudly made in China. Yet their hopes for cultural hegemony were washed away by the reality that the city was not turning away minority groups on the night.

‘As an Anglo-Saxon high school drop out from outer suburbia, I thought White Night would be the perfect chance to vent my pent up hatred towards those of a different ethnic background to my own’, said Gary Lancaster from Noble Park. ‘I was sadly mistaken’.

The participation of thousands of people from dozens of different cultural backgrounds intermingling and enjoying one another’s culture was a shock that Garry couldn’t easily overcome.

‘But the Herald Sun opinion page said multiculturalism was a failure! Why would they lie!’, he shouted, a tear streaming down his racist cheek.

Gary was surprised that non-white people make it in to the city at all.

‘I thought the only means of transportation that persecuted subgroups could possibly utilise is that of a leaky wooden boat owned by a dodgy Indonesian people-smuggler’, said Gary. ‘But it turns out they can use other means of transportation – like cars. And trains.’

‘My small-minded sensibilities are shocked’.

Amani Green, a non-white, whose attendance at White Night was deplored by local racists.
Amani Green, a non-white, whose attendance at White Night was deplored by local racists.

Putin Wins Gold for ‘Gayest World Leader’ at Sochi

Sochi, Russia: Yesterday, Putin ‘unambiguously won’ the award for gayest world leader at the Sochi Winter Olympics, announced Olympic judges.

‘Putin was keen on winning a medal, but he wasn’t actually good at any sports’, said Olympic President Thomas Bach. ‘So he told us to invent a sport.’

‘We didn’t know what to do for a while, but then Ivan [a Russian Olympic official] thought of the perfect thing – an Olympic Gold for Putin’s homosexuality’.

Putin didn’t have to compete in any competition to win the award, said Bach. ‘Just being there was enough. And those photos of him topless? Who’s he trying to impress?’

‘The anti-Gay laws he’s proposed in Russia are the perfect cover. What a brilliant political move to cover up his obviously raging homosexuality’.

The award did not come without controversy, however. Elio Di Rupo, the openly gay Prime Minister of Belgium, was not happy about Putin’s win.

‘I’ve been openly homosexual for the last twenty years, and I didn’t win the award for being gay? This is very very silly’, said Rupo in a press conference.

Putin goes fishing for gays.
Putin goes fishing for gays.

Greg Hunt cites ‘Finding Nemo’ to prove Great Barrier Reef is doing just fine.

Environment minister Greg Hunt has hosed down suggestions that the recently announced expansion of the Abbot Point coal port will harm the Great Barrier Reef, saying he ‘recently re-watched Finding Nemo’, and it was clear that the fish in the movie were ‘doing just fine’. 

‘I’ve been watching Finding Nemo for years, and the condition of the Reef doesn’t appear to have changed’, said Hunt.

‘Nemo, Marlin and Dory all seem pretty healthy, as they always do. This is no doubt testament to the fact that dumping millions of tonnes of waste into the middle of the world’s largest ecosystem is completely safe.’

‘If it was a problem, we would have seen some evidence.’ Holding up a DVD cover of Finding Nemo, Hunt said ‘this is all the evidence this government needs to show our environmental practices are not doing any damage’.

In response to criticism that ‘Finding Nemo’ isn’t a legitimate source of information about the Reef, Hunt responded: ‘These claims are blatant propaganda. I looked up what Wikipedia said on the issue, and it says Finding Nemo is a real movie, that was, and I quote, ‘set in the Great Barrier Reef’.

‘You can’t argue with facts’, he added.

A coal lobbyist congratulates Hunt on his excellent use of facts.
A coal lobbyist congratulates Hunt on his excellent use of facts.

Government Privatises ABC, sells to Brazzers

The American pornography website Brazzers has announced a 100% acquisition of the formerly-public Australian broadcaster, the ABC.

Following an open tendering process to domestic and international investors, the Australian government hailed the purchase of the ABC to the American company as a ‘triumph of the free market’.

‘We’re looking forward to the innovative content the Brazzers network will produce. In addition to live streaming of 28 existing channels to 98% percent of the population – the network has announced the production of specialised content for the Australian market’.

New shows include BBW (Big Billionaire Women) With Gina R, and Tony Abbott: VoteHunter.

In her new role on in the Brazzers-owned ABC, Gina Rinehart sports a recently acquired pearl necklace.
In her new role on in the Brazzers-owned ABC, Gina Rinehart sports a recently acquired pearl necklace.

Also featured is an orgy of uninformed groupthink going under the Q and A title. ‘It’ll be pretty much the same as the old show’, stated renamed host Big Daddy TonyJ. ‘Except in this show, the Twitterati will literally be sucking off populist, moderately leftist guests on-screen’.

Liberal Senator George Brandis, a supporter of the buy-out, stated ‘We firmly believe the government shouldn’t do what the private sector can do better. The private sector know what the public wants’.

When asked what that was, Brandis replied: ‘Isn’t it obvious? The public demand hard-core American pornography films with no political agenda. It’s the bread and butter of what’s needed in the creation of a well-informed populace’.

Schapelle Corby on being released from prison: ‘Now I can finally go boogie-boarding’.

'This enormous bag of weed would be useless to boogie-board on!' lamented Corby.
‘This enormous bag of weed would be useless to boogie-board on!’ lamented Corby.

In the wake of her release, Schapelle Corby has told reporters she can now ‘finally go boogie-boarding’.

Ms Corby has spent nine years in a Balinese prison after being convicted of smuggling 4.2kg of marijuana from Australia into Bali in 2005. Corby informed a scrum of reporters outside her prison cell: ‘All that pot in my boogie board bag would just get in the way of what I really love doing – riding those waves while lying on my tummy.

‘It’s my favourite past-time after beauty therapy’.

Trees have blatant anti-Liberal bias: Abbott

Abbott advises Alphitonia excels to ensure she remains patriotic
Abbott advises Alphitonia Excels on political bias.

In a press statement released yesterday, Tony Abbott has announced an ‘efficiency review’ into trees, criticising their un-Australian agenda.

‘Trees are in the way of progress.’, Abbott said. ‘In my conversations with constituents about trees, it is obvious that voters are suspicious.’

‘If a tree takes from the public purse but it doesn’t show signs of giving back, we need to ask ourselves whether their invasion of our precious mining land is justified’. ‘

The tree lobby claims they contribute oxygen, but I’ve yet to see evidence of this invisible, non-taxable substance.’

The Daily Telegraph proclaimed the issue with the headline ‘TREES OF TREACHERY: Trees have blatant left- wing bias’.

‘We have significant government support for trees, and they seem unwilling to voluntarily contribute to the economy of our country.’, stated The Telegraph editorial.

‘Time and time again, trees have drawn nutrients out of our precious soil, while refusing to pay tax on their takings.’

In a statement, Immigration Minister Scott Morrison claimed trees were conspiring with people smugglers to bring illegal immigrants to our shores. ‘Operation Sovereign Boarders uncovered that people smugglers have been colluding with self-sacrificing trees to construct unsafe vessels. ‘Such actions by trees display an anti-Australian agenda’, said Morrison.

Conservative commentators swept on government remarks. ‘As an Indigenous Australian tree, I ask myself – is my existence worthwhile? Probably not’ wrote Andrew Bolt in the Herald Sun. ‘I do not see species. Tree or non-tree, we need to ask ourselves who is contributing to our society, and to our economy. Frankly, the trees of this nation have a lot to answer for.’