Turnbull announces national day of mourning over last four years of his own life

The Minister for Communications has announced a nationwide mourning of his deceased career to take place across every town and city in Australia.

The day of mourning, planned entirely by Turnbull, will feature life-size marionettes acting out the key events in Turnbull’s own life, from his conception in 1954 to the death of his political career in late 2009.

‘The years since then were wasted years, lost years’, he said. ’I could have achieved so much’.

‘I’ve won a Rhodes Scholarship, started a law firm, an investment banking firm, made $100 million dollars and written two books. But since losing the Liberal party leadership, I’ve been fielding complaints from Mary Alexander of Port Piper because she can’t stream episodes of ‘Downton Abbey’ at more than one megabyte per second’, lamented a reckless, despondent Turnbull.

‘It’s important for Australia to remember how good I once was’.

Turnbull wonders why his self-written obituary didn't make the front page of The Times.
Turnbull wonders why his self-written obituary didn’t make the front page of The Times.

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