Bigoted Australians applaud Attorney-General’s support of Bigots’ Rights.

Bigoted groups were ecstatic today as Australia’s Attorney General announced his support for the right for Australians to be bigots.

The announcement follows a series of policies from the government that are generating the support of bigots nationwide.

‘Mandatory detention of minority groups seeking asylum is the greatest protection of the white race since the White Australia policy’, said spokesman for the Rights of Bigots, Terry White. ‘This coalition government will always have my support.’

But bigot groups are hoping that their rights will extend even further.

‘Take a look at America, the bastion of freedom for bigots. Over there, you’re allowed to picket dead soldiers’ funerals with ‘God Hates Fags’ placards. That’s the kind of Australia I want my children to grow up in.’

‘Hopefully, under this government, my freedom to be that bigoted will soon become a reality’.

Brandis’s comments come in the context of tabloid columnists throwing their weight behind the rights of Australians to be prejudiced malicious bastards.

‘I ought to have the right to humiliate and intimidate some of the most vulnerable members of Australian society in order to stir up the xenophobic, racist prejudices of the general public’, said Herald Sun columnist Mandrew Dolt*.

‘I mean, Indigenous Australians have it too good. The only thing White Australia ever did to them was steal their land, rape their women, take their children, and deny them any rights whatsoever for a few hundred years’, Mr Dolt explained. 

‘And now they get slightly discounted tertiary tuition fees! The injustice!’

‘How can I not be a bigot to such ungrateful people’, Dolt lamented.

The Government was today defending its decision among less-bigoted members of the community.

‘People have the right to be bigots’, said Attorney General George Brandis. ‘They also have a right to be racist, sexist, xenophobic, poorly educated, abusive, intolerant arseholes who loiter at the bottom of society’s cesspool. And to vote accordingly’.

‘And thank god for that, because otherwise we’d struggle to get elected’.

*pseudonym used.

Attorney General George Brandis: "Not a bigot, but No. #1 with bigots"
Attorney General George Brandis: “Not a bigot, but No. #1 with bigots”

Australian government launches ‘Malaysian Airlines’ Solution for Asylum seekers

Immigration Minister Scott Morrison has announced that the Australian Government will be contracting Malaysia Airlines for all future transportation of asylum seeker arrivals to Australia.

‘Malaysia Airlines has a solid track record of effectively dealing with its passengers’, Mr Morrison said in a briefing. ‘It’s just the kind of treatment those seeking asylum in Australia deserve’.

Supporters of the Government were enthusiastic about the plan, as rumours circulated around Canberra that Malaysia Airlines is to take over all aspects of the processing of asylum seekers.

‘Malaysia Airlines will be much more effective than the previous contractor, G4S’, said a government backbencher. ‘In fact, they’ll be two hundred and thirty nine times more effective.’

Prime Minister Abbott considers his own mortality.
Prime Minister Abbott considers his own mortality.