Government recruits pensioners to fly F-35 Joint Strike Fighters

The Abbott government has announced that Australian pensioners will be brought out of retirement to fly its new F-35 Joint Strike Fighters.

‘This is the most sensible option in the wake of the current budget situation’, said Premier Joe Hockey. ‘Getting pensioners out of retirement and in to work is the only way we can afford to fly these planes’.

Doris Bikerdike, 68, of Taree Retirement Village, told The Moseff Report she was looking forward to a challenging new work environment.

‘The bastards are cutting me pension’, she exclaimed while slowly inhaling on a Holiday-brand cigarette in the car-park of the retirement village. ‘So this flying stuff’ll be me only option.’

The Defence Minister defended the decision to employ pensioners as fighter pilots, claiming that the planes are so error-prone it really wouldn’t matter who’s flying them. ‘By the time they’re delivered it will be the next Defence Minister’s problem’, he exclaimed.

Critics have questioned the government’s decision to spend 12 billion dollars on the fighter planes in the wake of the budget emergency, but the Defence minister is adamant their purchase is necessary for Australia’s defence capability.

‘It’s part of phase two of stopping the boats. We call it Operation Sovereign Borders Mark II: Aerial Assault. Shooting the boats out of the water is the best way to protect our shores’.

Hockey was keen to reassure Australians that the purchase of the fighter planes is the surest way to build up Australia’s defence capabilities. ‘The government hasn’t taken this decision lightly. We’ve explored all possible options. Clive Palmer expressed interest in buying one if he could fly it to his Palmersaurus resort.’

‘Unfortunately the only cockpit he fits inside is the House of Representatives’.

Flying Australia back to the Cold War era.
Flying Australia back to the Cold War era.

Abbott offers knighthood to anyone who forgets promises he made during the election

Tony Abbott has promised the Australian people that he’ll give them a knighthood if they forget everything he’s ever said before today.

‘Some may claim I promised ‘no cuts to education, no cuts to health, no changes to pensions and no changes to the GST’, said Mr Abbott. ‘And those people won’t get a knighthood.’

‘In my Australia, not having a knighthood will make you more ostracised than an Aboriginal in the IPA, and more out of place than a woman in Cabinet. So wouldn’t be easier to just forget everything I said before the election?’

‘We can all forget things if we want to’, said Abbott. ‘Just last week Joe Hockey told me he can’t remember how we can afford our paid parental leave scheme. I told him it would be easier if we forgot about the scheme’.

Abbott has promoted a hotline for those who want to take advantage of forgetting the Government’s promises during the election. ‘We encourage anyone who’s looking for advice on forgetting to call Arthur Sinodinos’s office on 02 9223 4388.’

‘If he forgets to turn up to his ICAC hearing he’ll be happy to take your call’.

Abbott leads by example by forgetting his sexuality.
Abbott leads by example by forgetting his sexuality.

Hockey to Increase Retirement Date of Coalition Government to 2049

Joe Hockey has called for the retirement age of the current Coalition Government to be raised, so that the Government remains in power for another thirty five years.

‘Elections cost this country millions of dollars a year, so by abolishing them and retaining our current government, we’ll be able to save tens of millions over the next few decades’.

‘This is a difficult decision to make. But we all have to have a mature debate and make sacrifices for the betterment of the country in this difficult financial environment’, Mr Hockey stated.

‘This strategy has proven to work before – Joe Bjelke-Petersen successfully implemented it in Queensland for decades – and look how their economy prospered! The Gold Coast would not be the sparking oasis of development that it is today without his tenacious leadership. The self-sacrifice he displayed in not retiring to serve the Australian people was enviable.’

‘That spirit of self-sacrifice is something that Tony Abbott wants to achieve, when he retires at the age of ninety-one’.

Malcolm Turnbull: Overjoyed at the prospect of spending the next 35 years of his life as Minister for Communications.
Malcolm Turnbull: Overjoyed at the prospect of spending the next 35 years as Minister for Communications.

Bob Carr: Diary of a Former Foreign Minister

The Moseff Report has gained exclusive access to the last week of diary entries of Bob Carr’s 2017 book, Bob Carr: Diary of a Former Foreign Minister.

April 5

I look up. The mirror. There I am. In the mirror. I see myself. I am in awe. I feel inspired; amazing. I look down. I open my fly. I see my penis. My penis – enormous. It sours above the mundane. I am impressed. I cannot feel humble.

April 7.

In bed. Relaxed. Refreshed. Figure out solution to Israel-Palestine tensions. Stroke of brilliance. I am brilliant. I am in awe of myself. Tell no-one about my solution; they will ruin my secrets.

I lie in my tailored suit. Whatever you’re wearing is inferior. You are inferior. I am better than you.

April 9.

Admire my deep-cut obliques. Masturbate furiously.

April 10.

Visit Henry Kissinger. My favourite world historical figure. Not a war criminal. But not flat stomached. I am superior.

I think about showing him my penis. He will be impressed. Maybe later.

There I am. Beautiful. Elegant. Poised.
There I am. Beautiful. Elegant. Poised.

April 12

Upload New Testament into Microsoft Word. Auto-replace ‘Jesus Christ’ with ‘Bob Carr’.

Employ asylum seekers to read out my masterpiece.

New book deal 2015?

I am amazing.