The Abbott government has announced that Australian pensioners will be brought out of retirement to fly its new F-35 Joint Strike Fighters.
‘This is the most sensible option in the wake of the current budget situation’, said Premier Joe Hockey. ‘Getting pensioners out of retirement and in to work is the only way we can afford to fly these planes’.
Doris Bikerdike, 68, of Taree Retirement Village, told The Moseff Report she was looking forward to a challenging new work environment.
‘The bastards are cutting me pension’, she exclaimed while slowly inhaling on a Holiday-brand cigarette in the car-park of the retirement village. ‘So this flying stuff’ll be me only option.’
The Defence Minister defended the decision to employ pensioners as fighter pilots, claiming that the planes are so error-prone it really wouldn’t matter who’s flying them. ‘By the time they’re delivered it will be the next Defence Minister’s problem’, he exclaimed.
Critics have questioned the government’s decision to spend 12 billion dollars on the fighter planes in the wake of the budget emergency, but the Defence minister is adamant their purchase is necessary for Australia’s defence capability.
‘It’s part of phase two of stopping the boats. We call it Operation Sovereign Borders Mark II: Aerial Assault. Shooting the boats out of the water is the best way to protect our shores’.
Hockey was keen to reassure Australians that the purchase of the fighter planes is the surest way to build up Australia’s defence capabilities. ‘The government hasn’t taken this decision lightly. We’ve explored all possible options. Clive Palmer expressed interest in buying one if he could fly it to his Palmersaurus resort.’
‘Unfortunately the only cockpit he fits inside is the House of Representatives’.