Government introduces taxes on happiness and books in bid to restore surplus

The Moseff Report, Melbourne — The Coalition Government has announced a swathe of new measures to improve productivity in Australia and get the budget back into surplus, including a tax on good times, a levy on being happy and an excise on book reading.

‘These measures will lead to a more productive economy, an economy where the tax-payers of Australia can’t gain pleasure from being alive without contributing to the Government’s coffers’, said Treasurer Joe Hockey. ‘We can no longer afford to live in a society that allows people to do things that don’t contribute to the budget bottom line. Those who disagree need to take a walk in the park – and pay a $5 toll to do it, because parks are now privatised’.

Libraries will also be hit, with books being classified as ‘Australian’ and ‘Un-Australian’. ‘Australian’ books, such as John Howard’s memoirs and a history of the ANZACs, will be free to borrow. ‘Un-Australian’ books, such as books on Keynesian economic theory, and books on ecology or climate science, will incur a $40 browsing fee.

The changes are designed to put the budget back into surplus after the hellish Rudd Gillard years, which Herald Sun columnists have labelled ‘worse than Syria and North Korea combined’. ‘Things were anarchy under Rudd and Gillard’, said Maree Smith of Paramatta. ‘Education reform, Super-fast broadband, National Disability Insurance scheme, the Clean Energy fund…I mean, my god, how awful! I wouldn’t wish those things on anybody.’

Others were more supportive of changes to healthcare in the budget. ‘They say happiness is relative, and my life is so miserable I won’t be happy unless I see pensioners dying in the gutter because they can’t afford their medication’, said a Melbourne University Young Liberal, puffing on a cigar and slowly masturbating to a picture of Tony Abbott.

‘I mean, if poor people can’t afford their medication, why did they choose to get sick? Idiots’.

Hockey's expression of dull existential dread will escape taxation.
Hockey’s expression of dull existential dread will escape taxation.

Socialist Alternative Protests Effective

Sydney, The Moseff Report — The Coalition Government has decided to reverse planned deregulation of university fees in the wake of Socialist Alternative’s takeover of the ABC panel show Q & A on Monday night.

‘These protests clearly and articulately showed the Australian people that fee deregulation is a bad idea’, said Minister for Education Christopher Pyne. ‘Their take-over of Q & A has convinced me, along with the rest of Cabinet, that an increase in university fees should not occur’.

‘It is obvious that the university sector does not need more funding, given the already highly meritorious debating skills of these protesting university students’, Pyne added. ‘Unveiling a banner on live TV to address a complex policy issue — if only I had thought of that’.

In the name of balance, the ABC has announced that next week they will allow the Young Liberals to hijack Q & A with banners displaying the slogans ‘Daddy will pay for my education, not yours’ and ‘University — If you’re white, it’s alright!’

‘Allowing protestors of a different political viewpoint is the best way to ensure a lively democratic discussion’, said a spokesperson the ABC.