Overheard in the Labor Shadow Cabinet Room

‘It’s one thing to be pro-minority, but we’ve gone too far in electing a man with obvious special needs as party leader’.

‘Albo has a drawer full of wizz-fizz that he gobbles down just before Question Time.  He downs it with a bottle of red as he hums to the tune of Working Class Man. I swear to god this is true. Tanya saw him’.

‘No-one gives a fuck about us [the party] any more. Shorten would fuck a pig on live TV if a focus group told him’.

‘Shorten makes [Alexander] Downer look like Churchill.’

‘My own shit has more charisma than Bill Shorten’.

‘[Julie] Bishop is like that bitch at the expensive private school who didn’t catch the bus because her dad drove her home a BMW’.

‘I have no purpose. I don’t know why I bother living. Mum was right, I should have been a doctor.’

A selection of statements overheard in the Liberal Party Cabinet Room, Volume One

‘Tell Chris Pyne to clean up his moisture in the carpet outside my office. It’s disgusting.’

‘Someone get the poking stick. Greg [Hunt] locked himself in the cupboard again. He says he won’t get out until we leave him alone’.

‘I thrust furiously towards my leader’ – Cory Bernardi

‘We’re putting in for [Ian] Macfarlaine’s birthday present – a lifetime supply of throat lozenges’.

‘I thrust furiously toward my god’. – Cory Bernardi.

‘I walked past Hockey’s office. He was alone. Eurythmics ‘Greatest Hits’ played as he gently sobbed’.

‘Who fucking let Bernardi in the Cabinet room again.’

‘I swear to god if Barnaby tells cabinet another anecdote on the thrill of mulesing his Polwarths I’ll slaughter one of them on the floor of the senate’.

‘There’s no one fuckable left in the press corps. Not one. I don’t know why I bother going out there anymore’.

‘Scott Morrison’s started padding out his chest with tissue paper. We all know about it. Someone should really tell him, poor bastard’.

‘Brandis has only ever been intimate with his collected volumes of Quadrant’.