A selection of statements overheard in the Liberal Party Cabinet Room, Volume One

‘Tell Chris Pyne to clean up his moisture in the carpet outside my office. It’s disgusting.’

‘Someone get the poking stick. Greg [Hunt] locked himself in the cupboard again. He says he won’t get out until we leave him alone’.

‘I thrust furiously towards my leader’ – Cory Bernardi

‘We’re putting in for [Ian] Macfarlaine’s birthday present – a lifetime supply of throat lozenges’.

‘I thrust furiously toward my god’. – Cory Bernardi.

‘I walked past Hockey’s office. He was alone. Eurythmics ‘Greatest Hits’ played as he gently sobbed’.

‘Who fucking let Bernardi in the Cabinet room again.’

‘I swear to god if Barnaby tells cabinet another anecdote on the thrill of mulesing his Polwarths I’ll slaughter one of them on the floor of the senate’.

‘There’s no one fuckable left in the press corps. Not one. I don’t know why I bother going out there anymore’.

‘Scott Morrison’s started padding out his chest with tissue paper. We all know about it. Someone should really tell him, poor bastard’.

‘Brandis has only ever been intimate with his collected volumes of Quadrant’.

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