‘It’s one thing to be pro-minority, but we’ve gone too far in electing a man with obvious special needs as party leader’.
‘Albo has a drawer full of wizz-fizz that he gobbles down just before Question Time. He downs it with a bottle of red as he hums to the tune of Working Class Man. I swear to god this is true. Tanya saw him’.
‘No-one gives a fuck about us [the party] any more. Shorten would fuck a pig on live TV if a focus group told him’.
‘Shorten makes [Alexander] Downer look like Churchill.’
‘My own shit has more charisma than Bill Shorten’.
‘[Julie] Bishop is like that bitch at the expensive private school who didn’t catch the bus because her dad drove her home a BMW’.
‘I have no purpose. I don’t know why I bother living. Mum was right, I should have been a doctor.’
The Moseff Report, Melbourne — The Coalition Government has announced a swathe of new measures to improve productivity in Australia and get the budget back into surplus, including a tax on good times, a levy on being happy and an excise on book reading.
‘These measures will lead to a more productive economy, an economy where the tax-payers of Australia can’t gain pleasure from being alive without contributing to the Government’s coffers’, said Treasurer Joe Hockey. ‘We can no longer afford to live in a society that allows people to do things that don’t contribute to the budget bottom line. Those who disagree need to take a walk in the park – and pay a $5 toll to do it, because parks are now privatised’.
Libraries will also be hit, with books being classified as ‘Australian’ and ‘Un-Australian’. ‘Australian’ books, such as John Howard’s memoirs and a history of the ANZACs, will be free to borrow. ‘Un-Australian’ books, such as books on Keynesian economic theory, and books on ecology or climate science, will incur a $40 browsing fee.
The changes are designed to put the budget back into surplus after the hellish Rudd Gillard years, which Herald Sun columnists have labelled ‘worse than Syria and North Korea combined’. ‘Things were anarchy under Rudd and Gillard’, said Maree Smith of Paramatta. ‘Education reform, Super-fast broadband, National Disability Insurance scheme, the Clean Energy fund…I mean, my god, how awful! I wouldn’t wish those things on anybody.’
Others were more supportive of changes to healthcare in the budget. ‘They say happiness is relative, and my life is so miserable I won’t be happy unless I see pensioners dying in the gutter because they can’t afford their medication’, said a Melbourne University Young Liberal, puffing on a cigar and slowly masturbating to a picture of Tony Abbott.
‘I mean, if poor people can’t afford their medication, why did they choose to get sick? Idiots’.
Sydney, The Moseff Report — The Coalition Government has decided to reverse planned deregulation of university fees in the wake of Socialist Alternative’s takeover of the ABC panel show Q & A on Monday night.
‘These protests clearly and articulately showed the Australian people that fee deregulation is a bad idea’, said Minister for Education Christopher Pyne. ‘Their take-over of Q & A has convinced me, along with the rest of Cabinet, that an increase in university fees should not occur’.
‘It is obvious that the university sector does not need more funding, given the already highly meritorious debating skills of these protesting university students’, Pyne added. ‘Unveiling a banner on live TV to address a complex policy issue — if only I had thought of that’.
In the name of balance, the ABC has announced that next week they will allow the Young Liberals to hijack Q & A with banners displaying the slogans ‘Daddy will pay for my education, not yours’ and ‘University — If you’re white, it’s alright!’
‘Allowing protestors of a different political viewpoint is the best way to ensure a lively democratic discussion’, said a spokesperson the ABC.
The Abbott government has announced that Australian pensioners will be brought out of retirement to fly its new F-35 Joint Strike Fighters.
‘This is the most sensible option in the wake of the current budget situation’, said Premier Joe Hockey. ‘Getting pensioners out of retirement and in to work is the only way we can afford to fly these planes’.
Doris Bikerdike, 68, of Taree Retirement Village, told The Moseff Report she was looking forward to a challenging new work environment.
‘The bastards are cutting me pension’, she exclaimed while slowly inhaling on a Holiday-brand cigarette in the car-park of the retirement village. ‘So this flying stuff’ll be me only option.’
The Defence Minister defended the decision to employ pensioners as fighter pilots, claiming that the planes are so error-prone it really wouldn’t matter who’s flying them. ‘By the time they’re delivered it will be the next Defence Minister’s problem’, he exclaimed.
Critics have questioned the government’s decision to spend 12 billion dollars on the fighter planes in the wake of the budget emergency, but the Defence minister is adamant their purchase is necessary for Australia’s defence capability.
‘It’s part of phase two of stopping the boats. We call it Operation Sovereign Borders Mark II: Aerial Assault. Shooting the boats out of the water is the best way to protect our shores’.
Hockey was keen to reassure Australians that the purchase of the fighter planes is the surest way to build up Australia’s defence capabilities. ‘The government hasn’t taken this decision lightly. We’ve explored all possible options. Clive Palmer expressed interest in buying one if he could fly it to his Palmersaurus resort.’
‘Unfortunately the only cockpit he fits inside is the House of Representatives’.
Tony Abbott has promised the Australian people that he’ll give them a knighthood if they forget everything he’s ever said before today.
‘Some may claim I promised ‘no cuts to education, no cuts to health, no changes to pensions and no changes to the GST’, said Mr Abbott. ‘And those people won’t get a knighthood.’
‘In my Australia, not having a knighthood will make you more ostracised than an Aboriginal in the IPA, and more out of place than a woman in Cabinet. So wouldn’t be easier to just forget everything I said before the election?’
‘We can all forget things if we want to’, said Abbott. ‘Just last week Joe Hockey told me he can’t remember how we can afford our paid parental leave scheme. I told him it would be easier if we forgot about the scheme’.
Abbott has promoted a hotline for those who want to take advantage of forgetting the Government’s promises during the election. ‘We encourage anyone who’s looking for advice on forgetting to call Arthur Sinodinos’s office on 02 9223 4388.’
‘If he forgets to turn up to his ICAC hearing he’ll be happy to take your call’.
Joe Hockey has called for the retirement age of the current Coalition Government to be raised, so that the Government remains in power for another thirty five years.
‘Elections cost this country millions of dollars a year, so by abolishing them and retaining our current government, we’ll be able to save tens of millions over the next few decades’.
‘This is a difficult decision to make. But we all have to have a mature debate and make sacrifices for the betterment of the country in this difficult financial environment’, Mr Hockey stated.
‘This strategy has proven to work before – Joe Bjelke-Petersen successfully implemented it in Queensland for decades – and look how their economy prospered! The Gold Coast would not be the sparking oasis of development that it is today without his tenacious leadership. The self-sacrifice he displayed in not retiring to serve the Australian people was enviable.’
‘That spirit of self-sacrifice is something that Tony Abbott wants to achieve, when he retires at the age of ninety-one’.