Hockey to Increase Retirement Date of Coalition Government to 2049

Joe Hockey has called for the retirement age of the current Coalition Government to be raised, so that the Government remains in power for another thirty five years.

‘Elections cost this country millions of dollars a year, so by abolishing them and retaining our current government, we’ll be able to save tens of millions over the next few decades’.

‘This is a difficult decision to make. But we all have to have a mature debate and make sacrifices for the betterment of the country in this difficult financial environment’, Mr Hockey stated.

‘This strategy has proven to work before – Joe Bjelke-Petersen successfully implemented it in Queensland for decades – and look how their economy prospered! The Gold Coast would not be the sparking oasis of development that it is today without his tenacious leadership. The self-sacrifice he displayed in not retiring to serve the Australian people was enviable.’

‘That spirit of self-sacrifice is something that Tony Abbott wants to achieve, when he retires at the age of ninety-one’.

Malcolm Turnbull: Overjoyed at the prospect of spending the next 35 years of his life as Minister for Communications.
Malcolm Turnbull: Overjoyed at the prospect of spending the next 35 years as Minister for Communications.

Bob Carr: Diary of a Former Foreign Minister

The Moseff Report has gained exclusive access to the last week of diary entries of Bob Carr’s 2017 book, Bob Carr: Diary of a Former Foreign Minister.

April 5

I look up. The mirror. There I am. In the mirror. I see myself. I am in awe. I feel inspired; amazing. I look down. I open my fly. I see my penis. My penis – enormous. It sours above the mundane. I am impressed. I cannot feel humble.

April 7.

In bed. Relaxed. Refreshed. Figure out solution to Israel-Palestine tensions. Stroke of brilliance. I am brilliant. I am in awe of myself. Tell no-one about my solution; they will ruin my secrets.

I lie in my tailored suit. Whatever you’re wearing is inferior. You are inferior. I am better than you.

April 9.

Admire my deep-cut obliques. Masturbate furiously.

April 10.

Visit Henry Kissinger. My favourite world historical figure. Not a war criminal. But not flat stomached. I am superior.

I think about showing him my penis. He will be impressed. Maybe later.

There I am. Beautiful. Elegant. Poised.
There I am. Beautiful. Elegant. Poised.

April 12

Upload New Testament into Microsoft Word. Auto-replace ‘Jesus Christ’ with ‘Bob Carr’.

Employ asylum seekers to read out my masterpiece.

New book deal 2015?

I am amazing.

Bigoted Australians applaud Attorney-General’s support of Bigots’ Rights.

Bigoted groups were ecstatic today as Australia’s Attorney General announced his support for the right for Australians to be bigots.

The announcement follows a series of policies from the government that are generating the support of bigots nationwide.

‘Mandatory detention of minority groups seeking asylum is the greatest protection of the white race since the White Australia policy’, said spokesman for the Rights of Bigots, Terry White. ‘This coalition government will always have my support.’

But bigot groups are hoping that their rights will extend even further.

‘Take a look at America, the bastion of freedom for bigots. Over there, you’re allowed to picket dead soldiers’ funerals with ‘God Hates Fags’ placards. That’s the kind of Australia I want my children to grow up in.’

‘Hopefully, under this government, my freedom to be that bigoted will soon become a reality’.

Brandis’s comments come in the context of tabloid columnists throwing their weight behind the rights of Australians to be prejudiced malicious bastards.

‘I ought to have the right to humiliate and intimidate some of the most vulnerable members of Australian society in order to stir up the xenophobic, racist prejudices of the general public’, said Herald Sun columnist Mandrew Dolt*.

‘I mean, Indigenous Australians have it too good. The only thing White Australia ever did to them was steal their land, rape their women, take their children, and deny them any rights whatsoever for a few hundred years’, Mr Dolt explained. 

‘And now they get slightly discounted tertiary tuition fees! The injustice!’

‘How can I not be a bigot to such ungrateful people’, Dolt lamented.

The Government was today defending its decision among less-bigoted members of the community.

‘People have the right to be bigots’, said Attorney General George Brandis. ‘They also have a right to be racist, sexist, xenophobic, poorly educated, abusive, intolerant arseholes who loiter at the bottom of society’s cesspool. And to vote accordingly’.

‘And thank god for that, because otherwise we’d struggle to get elected’.

*pseudonym used.

Attorney General George Brandis: "Not a bigot, but No. #1 with bigots"
Attorney General George Brandis: “Not a bigot, but No. #1 with bigots”

Australian government launches ‘Malaysian Airlines’ Solution for Asylum seekers

Immigration Minister Scott Morrison has announced that the Australian Government will be contracting Malaysia Airlines for all future transportation of asylum seeker arrivals to Australia.

‘Malaysia Airlines has a solid track record of effectively dealing with its passengers’, Mr Morrison said in a briefing. ‘It’s just the kind of treatment those seeking asylum in Australia deserve’.

Supporters of the Government were enthusiastic about the plan, as rumours circulated around Canberra that Malaysia Airlines is to take over all aspects of the processing of asylum seekers.

‘Malaysia Airlines will be much more effective than the previous contractor, G4S’, said a government backbencher. ‘In fact, they’ll be two hundred and thirty nine times more effective.’

Prime Minister Abbott considers his own mortality.
Prime Minister Abbott considers his own mortality.

Turnbull announces national day of mourning over last four years of his own life

The Minister for Communications has announced a nationwide mourning of his deceased career to take place across every town and city in Australia.

The day of mourning, planned entirely by Turnbull, will feature life-size marionettes acting out the key events in Turnbull’s own life, from his conception in 1954 to the death of his political career in late 2009.

‘The years since then were wasted years, lost years’, he said. ’I could have achieved so much’.

‘I’ve won a Rhodes Scholarship, started a law firm, an investment banking firm, made $100 million dollars and written two books. But since losing the Liberal party leadership, I’ve been fielding complaints from Mary Alexander of Port Piper because she can’t stream episodes of ‘Downton Abbey’ at more than one megabyte per second’, lamented a reckless, despondent Turnbull.

‘It’s important for Australia to remember how good I once was’.

Turnbull wonders why his self-written obituary didn't make the front page of The Times.
Turnbull wonders why his self-written obituary didn’t make the front page of The Times.

Racists Disappointed by Appearance of non-Whites on White Night

In a disappointing blow to xenophobics and racists across Melbourne, the city’s annual White Night event was frequented by many people who are not, in fact, white.

Many local racists turned up to the event donning T-shirts with the slogans ‘Australia – Est. 1788’ and ‘Go Back to Where You Came From’, proudly made in China. Yet their hopes for cultural hegemony were washed away by the reality that the city was not turning away minority groups on the night.

‘As an Anglo-Saxon high school drop out from outer suburbia, I thought White Night would be the perfect chance to vent my pent up hatred towards those of a different ethnic background to my own’, said Gary Lancaster from Noble Park. ‘I was sadly mistaken’.

The participation of thousands of people from dozens of different cultural backgrounds intermingling and enjoying one another’s culture was a shock that Garry couldn’t easily overcome.

‘But the Herald Sun opinion page said multiculturalism was a failure! Why would they lie!’, he shouted, a tear streaming down his racist cheek.

Gary was surprised that non-white people make it in to the city at all.

‘I thought the only means of transportation that persecuted subgroups could possibly utilise is that of a leaky wooden boat owned by a dodgy Indonesian people-smuggler’, said Gary. ‘But it turns out they can use other means of transportation – like cars. And trains.’

‘My small-minded sensibilities are shocked’.

Amani Green, a non-white, whose attendance at White Night was deplored by local racists.
Amani Green, a non-white, whose attendance at White Night was deplored by local racists.

Putin Wins Gold for ‘Gayest World Leader’ at Sochi

Sochi, Russia: Yesterday, Putin ‘unambiguously won’ the award for gayest world leader at the Sochi Winter Olympics, announced Olympic judges.

‘Putin was keen on winning a medal, but he wasn’t actually good at any sports’, said Olympic President Thomas Bach. ‘So he told us to invent a sport.’

‘We didn’t know what to do for a while, but then Ivan [a Russian Olympic official] thought of the perfect thing – an Olympic Gold for Putin’s homosexuality’.

Putin didn’t have to compete in any competition to win the award, said Bach. ‘Just being there was enough. And those photos of him topless? Who’s he trying to impress?’

‘The anti-Gay laws he’s proposed in Russia are the perfect cover. What a brilliant political move to cover up his obviously raging homosexuality’.

The award did not come without controversy, however. Elio Di Rupo, the openly gay Prime Minister of Belgium, was not happy about Putin’s win.

‘I’ve been openly homosexual for the last twenty years, and I didn’t win the award for being gay? This is very very silly’, said Rupo in a press conference.

Putin goes fishing for gays.
Putin goes fishing for gays.